The “I” of “Moi”

I guess there’s a time when you realise you’ve lost touch with a parent, when they buy you something that is for a child they had ten years earlier and they truly believe that yes, this is this perfect gift. 

What sparked this blog subject? My mother giving me a book. The book is titled “Le Dico Des Filles 2007” it has glitters and stars and has “No Boys!” bannered all over it - “100% Filles” it claims! She’s done this to me before: when I was 18/19, she knew I was sleeping with my then boyfriend, but she thought it appropriate to buy me the biggest beige knickers she could find - how did she work that one out??? I gave them straight back at her telling them that she should keep them for when she turned 60, they might come in handy then, or otherwise she could use them as cloths to clean the windows! Alright, I was a shitty adolescent who felt insulted by the scarily large beige knickers, so large they could have easily covered the hole in the Ozone Layer!!

 

Her thoughts behind the book/gift are good and endearing but to me, this book represents my feeling of failure right now. It represents me living with my mother because since I moved back home at the age of 25, I have not been able to afford to move out; it represents how far I have yet to go to achieve my dreams, my goals; it represents my fear of being an adult - that fucking book. Inside, it says to the young 17 year old girl who this fucking book is intended for, it tells her “Say no to Pornography”!!! I mean what the fuck! Yes i’ve watched pornography before and yes I’ve watched it with a lover and yes I fucking enjoyed it!! It refers to marriage being “the most beautiful day of your life”, marriage infront of God! PLEASE! There are sections on Puberty and First Kiss. I need to know “how to deal with your 40yr old lover” NOT FUCKING “PUBERTY”!! I mean what was she thinking?! Books like this should be burnt. Yes that is what I am going to do with it! Burn it! This type of crap should not be published. So yes, my mother thinks of her nearly 30yr old daughter as I child. Oh I need out. When I feel as suffocated as I do now, I dream of reaching transcendence in a tropical forest in India, where all around me is peaceful, lush, wet, green, where I am alone for miles and miles, where my escape is unthreatened by anyone and no one.

 

With my bastard of a father I chose the distance, I chose the void, the precipice... otherwise, I have no doubt, I’d be dead right now. I would have hated who I’d ‘ve become so much that I would have killed myself by the age of 20. That is the honest truth. I know that because I tried to kill myself at 12 - doing that and realising that although I did not understand my state of mind (I had no hindsight), I had to put a stop to this pain, otherwise I would never find the happiness that every life is given the possibility of experiencing. So I cut my father out - I cut him out of my present and my future, but for obvious reasons, I was not capable of cutting him out of my past, I could not change the fact that he was involved in my life, that he was a part of my “formative” years. So I still reap the seeds he sowed - I still somewhat hate that encrusted part of myself, but I no longer know which part it is, since it’s so deep in my core. I’m like a tree, with every passing year, adding on a new layer, distancing myself from the pain which was once me, the pain which once consumed me. But I fight it - I fight it by being myself, by being true to myself, by never submitting to the will of another, by never allowing someone to truly break me that way again, I fight it by making sure that I am not misunderstood or taken for granted. At least I try.

 

I am at a point right now, where I am starting to know what I want. Assessing what I have, I can see that it is far from what I want. I am trying to be an adult, to make conscious and thoroughly thought decisions. I want a husband and a family. I want a home that I can call my own. I need to give, I need to love, I need to trust, I need devotion and to feel devoted, I need to belong and not to roam the earth anymore. I am trying hard to make the steps that will lead me to my goals. I swear I am trying hard. So I don’t mind being reminded of my core, because I know that since then, each new layer represents my choice to live my life. I was given this life wether I wanted it or not, but I chose to live it. So all I can say is this: BRING IT ON!!!!