I hate the way you love... do I?

I had a dream Thursday night which woke me up in tears. It was a dream about my step-father, Emeric. I call him my step-father although my mother and he were never married, never lived together, etc. but he was my "father figure" during my formative years, he filled a very cold void left by a very cruel & selfish man (the blood father). 

Lately, my dreams have been very informative and relevant to my present state of mind, if I was seeing a therapist, he/she'd have me write them all down I am sure - these dreams of mine are bringing a lot of old, hidden or forgotten - whichever you prefer, words don't matter - demons back up to the surface of my daily life. This dream was one of those...

I dreamt that I was back in Villars-sur-Ollon, and went to the Salon Emeric to have my hair done, an excuse to see him. Emeric is one of those men you always have to go towards, he'll never come to you - he's an Aquarian male; as I child I knew that he loved me and cherished our relationship, I still know so as he has a picture of us in his office, but that is the most I will ever get from him: a picture in his office, an introverted love. Anyways, back to the dream! I'm at the Salon and Emeric greets me from the back of the room, making a show of his happiness to see me, he is the king of the Salon, always cracking jokes, flirting with the ladies, un pacha quoi; I sit down, he starts doing my hair, we start talking, I feel scared, like I know that he will disappoint me, that by being there I am putting myself in a really vulnerable position but I am too curious to leave. Then, from the corner of my eye, I see my mother spying furtively from behind a wall, she's trying to catch my eye but I am avoiding her signs - I think my mother knows better than me what is to come, so she is there to protect me but her insecurities and fears prevent her from doing that a 100%, so she stays behind her wall. 

My step-father's wife comes in the Salon - yes, his wife, he married her a few years after he left my mother, and proceeded to have children of his own with her, at the ripe age of 60. She knows who I am, acknowledges me and then, in turn, puts on her show, saying that we should all go out for lunch after the haircut, that I should meet the kids; at this point my mother's waves from behind her wall are frantic in my eyes but discreet enough so that Emeric and his wife don't notice her, thus she remains safe. We go to the restaurant, my mother is no longer there, we sit down and start eating. Emeric starts telling me how happy he is in his current life, that he just couldn't commit to my mother and I, that he wasn't ready after 7 years to do so, but then this new woman came along, with whom he could have his own babies, and then he was ready. In fact, in real life, Emeric never told me this, he broke-up with my mother and as a consequence let me go, but in this dream, he was saying it to my face, smiling, like it hadn't occurred to him that any of this would hurt me. I was in essence living this pain again but in real time, from the mouth of the man that abandoned me. 

This rejection was live and was being explained to me with 'incapacity to commit' being the reason for the abandonment, a reason I could not argue with. At the time, in real life, I sort of understood Emeric when this happened, people like my mother were always trying to possess us, telling us independent souls (or me, the rebellious adolescent) how we should love them, never being satisfied with the love that we could give; now though, I just think that he should have known better, you just can't drag a relationship on for 7 years and then end it for fear of committing, it doesn't make sense - end it after a year or two, but 7 years = commitment! Especially when there are children involved, it's selfish.

I woke-up crying, as mentioned previously, and did not understand why my subconscious was putting me through this torturous experience one more time... and then it clicked. Jules... He professed grand gestures, promises, shared his feelings with me, made me feel secure and now has run away, leaving me in the dark. Emeric, before breaking-up with my mother, told my mother and I that he wanted us all to live together - so little hopeful me, dreaming of finally having a normal family, started looking for houses for us to live in (my parents separated when I was just 6 months old so I'd never lived in a conventional family environment). And then he backed out, leaving me in the dark. I think Jules' reaction (or lack of, in this case) has made me relive this previous rejection - Jules offered me a family... and then ran.

We lost our friend... Hideki 4ever!

We lost our friend Hideki, today, April 21st, 2008 - the world is a lonelier place for it. 

May he rest in peace, on the shores of heaven, 

with my Tiggsy by his side, fishing and chilling, keeping the place warm for when it is our turn to join him.

Hideki my tomodachi, you will live forever in my heart and mind.

A visit to the land of My Love. Part 5

I woke-up the following morning (this Sunday now) shocked by the fact that I slept well - I am a bit OCD when it comes to beds and mattresses - this bed was amazing, the perfect amount of firm! Reader, sorry if this sounds weird to you... As well as the bed being the 'perfect amount of firm', there was another element to this magical awakening: the man I was in bed with. I was home, in his arms, in his bed, in his room, in his flat... I felt relaxed, happy, comfortable, insouciant, naughty, wise... I was really Me, the Me I had been looking for - for lack of a more original terminology for the situation I found myself in - I felt complete! 

From that moment on, until the next day when I had to leave Jules to go back to Ol' Blighty, I was happy and content, everything made me smile and laugh, everything he did or said warmed my heart and brought me 'dangerously' closer to falling in love with him: the fact that he's 'naked boy', that he laughed at the coffee I made him, that he looks like a girl in his yearbook picture, that he loves BAAD 80s films, that he finishes my food, that he solves any IT issue with F5, that it is our secret when I slip my feet under his thighs and he slowly caresses them while no one is watching...

I left that weekend and everything changed for me, my life, my goals, my dreams, everything changed. And then I got back to London and he changed, for the worse, and now I can't reach him. What do I do Reader, what CAN I do?

A visit to the land of My Love. Part 4

We (all 3 of us, me, Jules & Jim) left the market enoteca and made our way to Jules' house, by tram! I love trams, you feel like you're in a musical and any minute now music will start playing in the background, you'll just launch into song while tapdancing your way round the tram!! 

We spent a lazy afternoon at his house, watching TV, giggling, telling stories, taking pictures - I even gave the guys a manicure/hand massage... We then decided to go out to some bars, including this whacky little mafia bar where apparently someone had been shot and stabbed (not the same guy), and we finally ended-up in this sort of Irish pub where Mon Jules and I decided to go have dinner somewhere else. We had pizza & beer in this brightly lit restaurant which had an Italian guy on a keyboard singing in English; by this point we were quite drunk so I found the whole surroundings absolutely hysterical! I think the waitress thought we were mad and that actually made her night as she kept on laughing as she walked by our table (the other punters were a bit more on the dull side). 

At this point Jules has to rush out to see friends (2x 50yr+ divorcees) who have double-parked outside the restaurant, as they want us to come to the movies with them... Needless to say that was the last thing I wanted to do, I just wanted to get home and get on with 'it'. So we were dragged to the flicks by these two over eager yet kind ladies, to see an Italian mainstream drama/comedy - my Italian is ok but not that good! What I could understand, I hated!!! It was a cringe worthy film, and Mon Jules and I left half-way through as neither he nor I could hack it.

We met-up with 'Jim' and some other friends who were going off to a birthday party a bit out of town, in a converted church - it was converted into a squat, which was amazingly decorated, it is apparently a home for artists, one of the girls from our party, Miss Pink, had actually lived there 10yrs before. Jules quickly fell asleep, and I was left to drunkenly wonder around the venue, dance a bit and then get myself into mischief... yes, Miss Leeloo had a (well, more than one) kissing session with Jim. Before I continue, I should say that while Jules, Jim and I were chilling earlier that afternoon, Jim was being a bit flirtatious and Jules said that he'd allow me to kiss Jim if I wanted to, that Jim was the only friend of his I could hook-up with and it would be a kiss and ONLY a kiss. THEREFORE, with that blank cheque in my pocket, when Jim started kissing me up against the cold, hard stone church wall, I could do nothing but kiss him back longingly. As every kiss got heated, I would push Jim back, he'd walk away looking hurt, then come back for more. At last, he decided I had tortured him enough and left the venue, leaving me and mon snoring Jules alone to fend for ourselves. 

Jules wakes-up, I then tell him about the kiss with Jim (he asked if it was good, I said yes), consequently we discover that snow can come out of beer and that no one believes us, so we decide to cab it back to his, leaving this venue for others to close the night. We go back to his, start chatting, one thing leads to another (THANK GOD, I don't think I could have denied myself the pleasure much longer) and end the night entwined physically, emotionally and spiritually.

...To be continued...

A visit to the land of My Love. Part 3

So we left Jules's folks' house and took a tram (how romantic is a tram?!), it was early in the morning, around 7am, the sun was shining, we were some of the only people wondering the streets at that time, ... it added to the magic of the moment. Jules and I have not really had the chance to spend much time alone in the past as we've always been hanging around with our friends, so this situation was new to us (me I felt a bit shy, he I don't know). It sort of felt like a first date I guess - but with our history, is that even possible?? 

Torino is one of the most visually stunning cities I have visited! What I adore about it, is how its beauty is a secret: if you don't look upwards, left and/or right when walking through its streets, but are the kind of human to always look down or straight ahead, you will not be part of Torino's secret. Also, because Torino does not fly on the same notoriety as cities such as Barcelona or Prague, it delves even further into a mystique underground that is only available to those with wide eyes and open heart! Torino is the city of passion - you don't just  land there by mistake, you go there for you are passionate about cinema or architecture, food, wine (or in my case 'un uomo')... The passion of the Torinese is undeniably raw and baby, I lapped it all up! ;0)

We walked to my hotel as I needed to shower, change clothes and prepare an overnight bag as I was going to visit my friend Tom in Savona that afternoon for the night. We then decided to go to Torino's market which Jules made clear on more than one occasion, that it was THE BIGGEST MARKET IN EUROPE! It was a really big market, they have everything from clothes & shoes, food, antiques, second hand clothes... I fell in love with the antique market, I could picture decorating my home (one day as I don't have one at the moment) with everything I saw: old doors, chairs, frames, sculptures, copper pans, lamps - EVERYTHING caught my curious cat's eye!

Jules took me to a little Enoteca (wine bar, yes at 10am), it was such a nice little bar, so authentic we could have been on a film set; the young guy that was running the place was so sweet, another pure Torinese! How bad is it that when you leave London and go to the mainland, I spend my time commenting on how honest, truthful and good everyone is!!! Anyways, we started drinking wine, eating a board (I forgot the italian name for this) of local food, man the cheese was to die for, it was a local Toma. As the wine was flowing, so was our conversation - I could talk with that man for hours, I swear! We talked about our childhoods mainly, his stories were more gripping than the other, I was so enthralled and moved by his every word; at one point I was telling him about my father and my childhood and he said something along the lines of that it hurt him to hear this and if he could, he would go back and change it for me. How the hell can I not be in love amigos, how the hell!!!!!!!!!!! This narrator is a lost cause!!

We moved to the terrace part of the Enoteca on the street, facing the antique portion of the market, the sun was shining yet the temperature was still a bit cool. By this point, we had at least had 3 or 4 glasses of wine each and I am not sure if this is the reason that the next few hours are all a bit of a blur to me or because of the shock of the direction our conversation was to take. Jules tells me that he knows that we will be together, that he can't see himself marrying anyone else but me, that we would have the most beautiful children in the world, that I would be a great mother, that his brother loved me and that was very important to him, that it was his gut-instinct that we we would be together, that he always knew. I mean this is the reason I went to Torino, to figure out what I felt really, what he felt too and to decide what I had to do in my life, and Jules just delivers it to me at a terrace on a sunny Saturday morning... I was so far up in the clouds by that point, so caught-up in this whirlwind that we created, that I had no concept of right or wrong, or of reality, I was SPINNING! I remember him getting-up every 5min to kiss me, my forehead, my cheek, my eyes, I looked at that man and saw the man I would see for the rest of my life, the heart and soul inside him were so evident to me I was enticed, I could not look away. As a result, I think the only thing I could say was that he just voiced everything I feel and had been feeling. 

By this point, it was about lunchtime and we were joined by Jules's friend Jim, and the morning's madness turned into an afternoon of further madness.

...To be continued...

A visit to the land of My Love. Part 2

... I jumped in a cab and went to see Jules. He was at a bar, further gone than me, but not far gone enough for me not to be able to catch-up. One thing I have to say to you readers out there: he gives me butterflies, makes me fly high up in the sky!! Seeing him, being in his presence, under his wing, I feel like I am finally home, like my whole life has led me to this unision, as if every void I have brought with me until that very moment have vanished in an instant. Is that love? It must be.

We walked to meet his friends, Jim and more - I always knew I'd instantly love his friends, their hearts & souls are as pure and open as Jules'. No reason to hide or shy away from anything, they are all 100% there, no questions or doubts, just there in the present. I never wanted to be the girl who couldn't be taken to meet her man's friends as she would be all shy in the corner - fuck that! I love guys, I love the way these guys shouted at each other, sucker-punched each other, teased each other and had no shame! I want men to be men. There's nothing I hate more than seeing one of my mate's girlfriends making a scene because my mate is not paying her enough attention! Dispicable behavior! I loved his friends and I told him so, I think that made him happy.

That night we stayed at his folks' house, nothing happened, we passed out infront of the TV, I woke-up hanged out with his folks' cats, fed them - I could barely sleep that night, it just all began to seem really surreal, I knew I was beginning to float and that the weekend had a lot more in store for me... little did I know which direction it would take but I guess that is the beauty of an adventure, right??

...To be continued...

A visit to the land of My Love. Part 1

I decided to pay a visit to the land of My Love (aka Jules) last weekend. I was falling into my usual self-destructive patterns of thinking too many negatives, distancing myself from the truth of the matter and scattering my thoughts, like fallen stars, all over this holy earth thus losing touch with my core. 

This trip was booked on a whim, not my whim, but that of Mr Mac (my beloved laptop); he chose to take it upon himself to book my flight/hotel to Torino, Italy - I do not lie, this story I tell is true. Having been slapped by internet reality, I called Jules to tell him I was coming to town that Friday and that it would be great if we could meet... he tells me that he will not be in town until the Sunday! Of course I tell myself "but why would he be there? that is just your luck! he doesn't care about you!", the nerves take over and I am lost even further down the path that is my insecurity...

My flight and hotel were booked, I would be in town alone, there was not much I could do but embrace the moment and enjoy myself. As soon as I woke-up the day of my departure, I was beyond excited - anything to get out of yucky London! I love flying to Torino as the pilots tend to fly low and you get to see some amazing views: the white cliffs of Dover, the Normandy beaches, Paris, Geneva and its lake, and lastly the Alps... Mes montagnes! The thrill of being on this little adventure of mine was getting stronger, I was feeling independent and free-spirited, strong and confident. I landed in Torino to find the weather to be just the right amount of delicious: bright & warm. I strolled through the streets for over an hour, getting myself lost then finding my way; a veritable cocktail of the unknown and the dreamed about. I arrived at my hotel, showered, air-dried while lying on the lovely crisp white bed sheets, listening to my tunes while gazing at the sunset over Torino's Baroque scenery... No thoughts.

I then wondered the streets of the Quadrilatero looking for somewhere to grab a bite and guzzle down some wine, recognizing street corners and rubbish bins (I kid you not), ultimately landing in a restaurant where V & Maki and I had dinner on one of my previous visits. The whole concept of eating alone, especially as a woman, is very weird one - I think people think you have been stood-up, they have pity on you and as a result, are super attentive. I had a waiter and a waitress, both so very friendly and laid-back (such a contrast to the London vibe). My phone then rings... It's Jules... He's in town...

...To be continued...

Nina Simone - Wild Is The Wind

Love me love me, say you do

Let me fly away with you

For my love is like the wind

And wild is the wind

Give me more than one caress

Satisfy this hungriness

Let the wind

Blow through your heart

For wild is the wind

You... Touch me...

I hear the sound of mandolins

You... Kiss me...

With your kiss my life begins

Youre spring to me

All things to me

Don't you know you're life itself

Like a leaf clings to a tree

Oh my darling, cling to me

For we're creatures of the wind

And wild is the wind

So wild is the wind

Wild is the wind

Wild is the wind