I had a dream Thursday night which woke me up in tears. It was a dream about my step-father, Emeric. I call him my step-father although my mother and he were never married, never lived together, etc. but he was my "father figure" during my formative years, he filled a very cold void left by a very cruel & selfish man (the blood father).
Lately, my dreams have been very informative and relevant to my present state of mind, if I was seeing a therapist, he/she'd have me write them all down I am sure - these dreams of mine are bringing a lot of old, hidden or forgotten - whichever you prefer, words don't matter - demons back up to the surface of my daily life. This dream was one of those...
I dreamt that I was back in Villars-sur-Ollon, and went to the Salon Emeric to have my hair done, an excuse to see him. Emeric is one of those men you always have to go towards, he'll never come to you - he's an Aquarian male; as I child I knew that he loved me and cherished our relationship, I still know so as he has a picture of us in his office, but that is the most I will ever get from him: a picture in his office, an introverted love. Anyways, back to the dream! I'm at the Salon and Emeric greets me from the back of the room, making a show of his happiness to see me, he is the king of the Salon, always cracking jokes, flirting with the ladies, un pacha quoi; I sit down, he starts doing my hair, we start talking, I feel scared, like I know that he will disappoint me, that by being there I am putting myself in a really vulnerable position but I am too curious to leave. Then, from the corner of my eye, I see my mother spying furtively from behind a wall, she's trying to catch my eye but I am avoiding her signs - I think my mother knows better than me what is to come, so she is there to protect me but her insecurities and fears prevent her from doing that a 100%, so she stays behind her wall.
My step-father's wife comes in the Salon - yes, his wife, he married her a few years after he left my mother, and proceeded to have children of his own with her, at the ripe age of 60. She knows who I am, acknowledges me and then, in turn, puts on her show, saying that we should all go out for lunch after the haircut, that I should meet the kids; at this point my mother's waves from behind her wall are frantic in my eyes but discreet enough so that Emeric and his wife don't notice her, thus she remains safe. We go to the restaurant, my mother is no longer there, we sit down and start eating. Emeric starts telling me how happy he is in his current life, that he just couldn't commit to my mother and I, that he wasn't ready after 7 years to do so, but then this new woman came along, with whom he could have his own babies, and then he was ready. In fact, in real life, Emeric never told me this, he broke-up with my mother and as a consequence let me go, but in this dream, he was saying it to my face, smiling, like it hadn't occurred to him that any of this would hurt me. I was in essence living this pain again but in real time, from the mouth of the man that abandoned me.
This rejection was live and was being explained to me with 'incapacity to commit' being the reason for the abandonment, a reason I could not argue with. At the time, in real life, I sort of understood Emeric when this happened, people like my mother were always trying to possess us, telling us independent souls (or me, the rebellious adolescent) how we should love them, never being satisfied with the love that we could give; now though, I just think that he should have known better, you just can't drag a relationship on for 7 years and then end it for fear of committing, it doesn't make sense - end it after a year or two, but 7 years = commitment! Especially when there are children involved, it's selfish.
I woke-up crying, as mentioned previously, and did not understand why my subconscious was putting me through this torturous experience one more time... and then it clicked. Jules... He professed grand gestures, promises, shared his feelings with me, made me feel secure and now has run away, leaving me in the dark. Emeric, before breaking-up with my mother, told my mother and I that he wanted us all to live together - so little hopeful me, dreaming of finally having a normal family, started looking for houses for us to live in (my parents separated when I was just 6 months old so I'd never lived in a conventional family environment). And then he backed out, leaving me in the dark. I think Jules' reaction (or lack of, in this case) has made me relive this previous rejection - Jules offered me a family... and then ran.
No comments:
Post a Comment